Truck Driver Cheer

I was looking for those rose colored glasses all day today. I can't fully blame it on my lack of sleep last night. Although I didn't expect much. Each time I get frustrated, upset or anything of the sort...I am reminded of a bit of "advice" that was given in a talk, basically: your reaction is your choice...if you are angry, you choose to be angry. I think it is a feeling that is the reaction, but it is my choice as to how I express those feelings. I have a long way to go before my initial feeling is so kind hearted. After getting a visit at least once an hour, every hour, until 3AM last night, I was a bit fatigue today. I was frustrated with all the things I had to do, but I knew with my energy I should do only what had to be done. It was a rough day. By the end of the day I was feeling a bit selfish. Some of these things went through my head (I realize this blog is becoming an antidote for me to share things in my head. Thanks for still baring with me and reading on. I apologize for the open book I am becoming.): "No one appreciates what I am doing. I feel like I am at work and no one notices my work. If I could only afford a nanny. I just might quit my job today, ha. You are why I am so upset today. Grrr! Where can I hide...okay, they really need me."

The list goes on. A few of my Grrr's might have actually sounded out. I really did feel under appreciated today. This is something I do everyday, but I usually get a few more smiles or positive experiences to out weigh the rough spots. I just couldn't find my rose colored glasses...they were smudged today. David is also on call today, so I won't see him until tomorrow after lunch or near dinner. No break!

Around 4 or 5PM...more bickering, more demands, more tears I couldn't seem to comfort for were thrown my way. The feelings of inadequacy and lack of endurance were also weighing me down. I was feeding Teague some cereal that I couldn't make fast enough. Taylin turned from her coloring to tell me something and almost tipped her chair over. She looked at me...I looked at her. We both knew I was going to bark something. I took a deep breath and asked her with all the kindness I could muster to be careful. She said, "Mom, I want to share a cheer with you." She has all the cheers and hand signs for things they do in school. I can't keep up with them. I was a little annoyed, but I preceded to do my best to sound interested. Then she said, "Mom, this is for you...this is for being a great mom: 'honk! honk! Good job, little buddy." (Hand gestures and all.) Tears filled my eyes very quickly and I thanked her in my exhausted, choked up voice. (When I was a cheerleader, I don't think I moved anyone to cry ;))She then was taken back and got a little teary as well. She is so sweet and very sensitive to others. I told her how much I appreciated that and that it was a hard day. Needless to say, the rest of the kids were silent either out of awkwardness or a little concerned as well. Cohen came and stood next to me, but wasn't sure what to do with that. I rewarded them with dinner that was created out of the few items we had left in our pantry and fridge due to the lack of energy I had to go to the store today. I really should go soon or all we will have left is disinfectant wipes in place of toilet paper. That is bad.

I tried my best to make it through the next few hours before bed. Which still wasn't glorious. I don't remember what happened, but I remember saying again..."Today was a hard day, tomorrow will be better." After the kids were tucked in bed, for the most part...Taylin spoke up again and said, "Mom, you are my B.M.F." She cracked me up the other day when she came home talking about her B.F.F. I was not thinking at all and I asked what it meant, "Best Mommy Forever." She gets the gold star for the day. I don't know if she believed that or knew that is what I needed to hear. It is nice to know she loves me unconditionally, even after I made her lunch this morning and put it back in the cabinet where we store her lunchbox instead of in her backpack. That my friends is why she has a credit on her lunch account. She has an absent minded mother at times. Taylin has always been so observant to what is going on around her and to the spirit. Again her sensitive soul! Again another day...blessed!