Throwing the towel in

All seven of them that I used to clean up 2/3 gallon milk off the kitchen floor and living room carpet. Just bought it. Just got home from the store. Yep...it really was spilled milk and a lot of it!!! I jinxed myself!

Truck Driver Cheer

I was looking for those rose colored glasses all day today. I can't fully blame it on my lack of sleep last night. Although I didn't expect much. Each time I get frustrated, upset or anything of the sort...I am reminded of a bit of "advice" that was given in a talk, basically: your reaction is your choice...if you are angry, you choose to be angry. I think it is a feeling that is the reaction, but it is my choice as to how I express those feelings. I have a long way to go before my initial feeling is so kind hearted. After getting a visit at least once an hour, every hour, until 3AM last night, I was a bit fatigue today. I was frustrated with all the things I had to do, but I knew with my energy I should do only what had to be done. It was a rough day. By the end of the day I was feeling a bit selfish. Some of these things went through my head (I realize this blog is becoming an antidote for me to share things in my head. Thanks for still baring with me and reading on. I apologize for the open book I am becoming.): "No one appreciates what I am doing. I feel like I am at work and no one notices my work. If I could only afford a nanny. I just might quit my job today, ha. You are why I am so upset today. Grrr! Where can I hide...okay, they really need me."

The list goes on. A few of my Grrr's might have actually sounded out. I really did feel under appreciated today. This is something I do everyday, but I usually get a few more smiles or positive experiences to out weigh the rough spots. I just couldn't find my rose colored glasses...they were smudged today. David is also on call today, so I won't see him until tomorrow after lunch or near dinner. No break!

Around 4 or 5PM...more bickering, more demands, more tears I couldn't seem to comfort for were thrown my way. The feelings of inadequacy and lack of endurance were also weighing me down. I was feeding Teague some cereal that I couldn't make fast enough. Taylin turned from her coloring to tell me something and almost tipped her chair over. She looked at me...I looked at her. We both knew I was going to bark something. I took a deep breath and asked her with all the kindness I could muster to be careful. She said, "Mom, I want to share a cheer with you." She has all the cheers and hand signs for things they do in school. I can't keep up with them. I was a little annoyed, but I preceded to do my best to sound interested. Then she said, "Mom, this is for you...this is for being a great mom: 'honk! honk! Good job, little buddy." (Hand gestures and all.) Tears filled my eyes very quickly and I thanked her in my exhausted, choked up voice. (When I was a cheerleader, I don't think I moved anyone to cry ;))She then was taken back and got a little teary as well. She is so sweet and very sensitive to others. I told her how much I appreciated that and that it was a hard day. Needless to say, the rest of the kids were silent either out of awkwardness or a little concerned as well. Cohen came and stood next to me, but wasn't sure what to do with that. I rewarded them with dinner that was created out of the few items we had left in our pantry and fridge due to the lack of energy I had to go to the store today. I really should go soon or all we will have left is disinfectant wipes in place of toilet paper. That is bad.

I tried my best to make it through the next few hours before bed. Which still wasn't glorious. I don't remember what happened, but I remember saying again..."Today was a hard day, tomorrow will be better." After the kids were tucked in bed, for the most part...Taylin spoke up again and said, "Mom, you are my B.M.F." She cracked me up the other day when she came home talking about her B.F.F. I was not thinking at all and I asked what it meant, "Best Mommy Forever." She gets the gold star for the day. I don't know if she believed that or knew that is what I needed to hear. It is nice to know she loves me unconditionally, even after I made her lunch this morning and put it back in the cabinet where we store her lunchbox instead of in her backpack. That my friends is why she has a credit on her lunch account. She has an absent minded mother at times. Taylin has always been so observant to what is going on around her and to the spirit. Again her sensitive soul! Again another day...blessed!

spilled milk...and...and...and

I won't cry over spilled milk, but all the additional clean ups I have been doing. I finally shed a tear when I thought I could finally go to bed. The list starts with the regular crumbs under the kitchen table, no biggy...the puddle of pee I cleaned up off the carpet after celebrating a full potty chart...spit up...spit up...spit up...a busted bag of amish bread starter (flour/sugar/milk)...buttons and beads...a bloody nose...going to bed now...nope, Teague's last feeding...I knew Cohen was tired and had a drink closer to bed time than we usually allow, so I was going to take him to the restroom...too late. Now waiting to change the wash! David had a busy night last night. He said if he could count the times his pager went off, probably 70. My pager is still going off. I need a vacation, just to sleep!

It is golden weekend this weekend. David...we are going on a date, please, oh, please...do I have to bat my eyes? There isn't much energy left to lift and close them...I will just close them and get some zzzz's, pleezzz!

A little bit kidding! (Natural History Museum in Mesa: jail house).A girl can dream...at least reminisce the good times to get me through the bumps.
***
Now through Rose Colored Glasses
"It looked like spilt milk" (from a great children's book), "but it wasn't."
***

• It looked like crumbs all over the floor, but it wasn't. It was the children enjoying their snack together at the table.
• It looked like another puddle of pee after celebrating pee going in the potty, but it wasn't. It was a happy girl playing with her new prize. So happy she didn't want to interrupt it to go potty.
• It looked like spit up, but it wasn't. It was a relieved little five month old after a good burp.
• It looked like a big mess of goopy amish starter, but it wasn't. It was a sweet five year old eager to help her mother in the kitchen.
• It looked like a mix of buttons and beads all over the floor, but it wasn't. It was a curious two year old experimenting with her motor skills and enjoying all the colors and textures.
• It looked like a bloody nose, oh but it was...but it was more. It was two very concerned daughters for their mother and lots of extra love.
• It looked like another feeding, but it was MORE. It was another chance to cuddle my sweet boy that grows just as fast as the others.
• It looked like a bed wetting, but it wasn't. It was a very tired boy, who played hard with his frogs and lizards today and enjoyed his brownies and milk for family home evening.
• It looked like another late night of laundry and less sleep, but it wasn't. It was a chance to sit and ponder the blessings of my day. To take another look with a glass of milk that is half full. I love you, sweet kiddos...now off to cuddle with my hard working husband!

A new perspective

I don't know exactly how to start this or how much is going to be too much. We will just see how much I can type before Teague wakes to eat.
***Fore-warning: you might want to stop reading if you are in a public place.***
I haven't been sick...knock-you-out-sick...in a long time...or ever. I had the stomach bug when Cohen was nine months, but that wasn't anything compared to the flu I had two weeks ago. Tuesday I was feeling a little icky. I thought it was something a good night rest (as good as I can get) would help. The fever kicked in over night and I was worthless the next day. Thank goodness David was home. Even though he had to work that night, he was able to be with the kids. I was not allowed to be around little ones, Teague especially (Dr. Hubby's orders). Taylin was home from school too, because she had a fever the day before. She was fine that day, but they are supposed to stay home 24 hours. I fed Teague once and the doctor sent me to bed. I slept four plus hours. I woke up coughing. Taylin and Kennedy were so concerned. I am not sure if it was due to my cough or the fact that mom was gone and out for so long. Then I tried to get up for a while. I was still pretty worthless. I was lacking a lot of energy and still had a fever and other symptoms.

While I was sitting at the dining room table watching my family "lively" functioning around me...I was awakened to a new perspective that I have never thought of or felt I could relate one bit. I thought about my mom and how she was sick for two years. I know she had her highs, but I know she had little energy or strength. I was sad I couldn't be there for my kids just a few days. My heart just broke. I couldn't imagine the heartache my mom had when she had to stay at home and in bed while we were all going about our lives. My mom was so upbeat and positive. She is much better than I! I have so much to learn. I remember the numerous basketball, softball games and powerlifting meets she still made it to with her oxygen and wheelchair. How can I forget the mask she wore with the lips she drew on them. Oh, Mom, you are such a hoot! I also remember my Junior prom. We were all out taking pictures and my mom was inside in her bed. I am sure she didn't mind or would rather have not...but I regret that I didn't go inside and get a picture with her.

I am amazed at how much more she suffered than my lousy flu. Far from a comparison, but a glimpse of what Mom endured for so long. David and Taylin were in the kitchen and dining room while I was thinking about this, so it became an open discussion. David is wise. He said, "I am sure she had strength when she needed it." I know she did. Taylin was so sweet. We discuss Mom often and she is fully aware of who she is and her illness. Taylin asked if I helped Mom when she was sick. I told her we were older kids and the biggest help we were was to take care of ourselves, so Mom and Dad could focus on Mom and hopefully not worry about us as much. I do remember bringing Mom meals and helping with other things. I also remember cuddling up in bed with Mom throughout the days. Looking back, there is always more I wish I had done. Mom is still such an amazing example! I can't believe it has been over twelve years. I still feel very close. Some of the hardest days are when I need her parenting advice or just for her to say the experiences I am having as a mother are somewhat normal.

I love you, Mom! Thanks for being there rain or shine. You were so full of charity and so unselfish. You were with us and still are even though physically it wasn't and isn't always possible.